and suddenly, nuraini decides to post this-- a letter that she wrote more than a year ago. hopefully it can lead her to grope for strength and courage once again.


" Dear You who truly Listens.

I wonder what Your intentions are putting me through this.Nonetheless, I wish to train my heart in believing that You always mean the best.You always have.Having to baik sangka with You is no easy task,You know that.You put me through a lot of pain at times--- actually most of the time, and maybe that is exactly what You want me to feel.Sometimes, what looks bad to me may look good to You. i guess. for example, Pain.

However, i am thankful to be ever put in situations like this. Dilemmas and tribulations always succeed in making my heart probe within in order to find what i believe in most, because that is the only thing that ceases to fail me.Only,sadly,i fail You most of the time. i falter,i fail to understand the art of Your work. All i see are empty promises and shattered dreams. i tend to give up,when giving up is actually one of the worstest sinful acts any creature can ever make.

I guess, in the end ,it all comes down to searching myself, whether i am able to believe, whether i have finally learned to trust and learned to love those around me with sincerity.Which makes me feel even more blessed because i am on my way to understanding why You ever created Doubt,Regret, Forget, and Remember, among other beautiful things.

As i speak, it embarrases me at how vulnerable i sound.but, again, that is probably exactly what u want me to feel.because when i admit my weakness , i actually become brave.i address it instead of pushing it aside like a coward. i know You hate cowards.Which, again ,makes me feel ever so blessed that You created Courage,Fear and...Understand. Understand and I met several times,only I have refused to make friends with it with the existence of Doubt always gettin in the way of our potential friendship.

We pretend that the human spirit is self-existent, that we can be strong by ourselves, without having to confide in You. why do we keep forgetting that even when we do find strength, it ultimately comes from You?

When i cry to You, asking for answers, You make me cry even more. I am beginning to understand now. You want me to keep coming back to You, because You deserve my every attention. and You do not want me to worry about tomorrow because You are already there.

Please forgive me for being such a disappointment most of the time. I deliberately become emotionally-detached from You sometimes. and then guess who's the one suffering?

In the end,when we finally meet, it all comes down to just me...and You. without all these problems. and i will have to answer to You whether these problems have made me more aware of You, or the other way round.

that is exactly what i am afraid of.

still, i pray for a certain assurance that You will help me every step of the way. please do. please don't let me fail You over and over again. "

*******************
As we were chewing on fries, she looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I wish I could have given you and your brother a better life." And then I remember more than a year ago, we were sms-ing each other,both of us crying at the same time. She was in the bus on her way back home alone from Malaysia; I was at a coffeeshop with my father. And we were both sobbing uncontrollably. Imagine that-- in public respectively while peering over a handphone. She was expressing how she regrets that my brother and I have to go through what we go through and how she has failed. At that time I was already sick of the fact that she kept blaming herself even when it wasn't her fault. But I expressed my anger in her anyway, although I knew it wasnt her fault. I was so mean. I needed someone to blame about my problems and my sadness and it just had to be her, hadnt it. It always is till now. During that whole month, I cried and cried and cried, feeling sorry for myself, feeling sorry for us. I would sob and sob and sob after prayers with the family, tears streaming down my face after the second salam. It drove my dad crazy with worry.

It's difficult to love one unconditionally. People usually love other people for a reason. They love their folks cos they provide for them, give them dough to spend. They love people because people love them back. Isn't that conditional love?! Will you still love that person even if that person doesn't love u as much?? Of course not. Because we are self-centered people that's why. I want to learn to love unconditionally. Love a person solely because of God. So no matter what happens, even if that person makes me cry and cry out of anger, I'll love that person unconditionally. Because I love that person for God. Cinta dan kasih sayang tanpa kepentingan diri. I think nowadays, everyone loves everybody else because they have something to offer in return. self-centered only.

stupid.

so back to the conversation over fries. does she still ponder about that? i've never regretted my life, with its many trials and sadness. trials and tribulations have never made me whoop for joy, but i deal with it, ya know?(after much sobbing alone when i pray). and sometimes i question why and how did things come to this. which is wrong and i should just slap myself. i should be thankful that my life has more sadness and tough times than everything being easy peasy. because then i won't develop a critical mind and learn the life lessons that i do, and become streetsmart and make right choices. because then i wouldn't turn to Him as often. if i didn't fall, i wouldn't crawl searching for Him.

some might wonder why the posts on my blog always have to be sad posts. i don't see a point sometimes in writing every detail of what cheered me up today, cos there's nothing to analyse in order to solve my problems. trust me, people with over-sensationalised blogs are crying their eyes out half the time abt their life and their insecurities. cover-up only. cut the act and face reality like a real (wo)man.

::BisikanKalbuku:: 3:25 pm